Liam Neeson, Nine Inch Nails, and No Charger: A Story About Irrational Fears

I’ve never seen a scary movie, but from the tidbits I pick up through finger-plugged-ears and covered eyes I know they’re not for me. Even the blatantly fake, not-scary, scary movies give me nightmares. If confronted by any sort of horror movie star like a demon, alien, murderer or ghost, I’m fully confident I would be paralyzed by fear and off-ed immediately. The only thing lower than my hypothetical survival rate against said crazies is a plumbers pants… ZING! I’m sorry you had to read that.

I have actually bucked up and seen Taken, though, so maybe I would survive a little hand to hand combat…fisticuffs if you will. But that’s probably irrational, too… Bjork and Bosley (my fists) can only fend off so much evil, I’m no Neese’s Pieces.

My 22 years have allowed me to cultivate a few other irrational fears besides scary movies, fist fights with bad guys, and the real-world horrors on the ten o’clock news. These fears are alive and well in the 3 egg omelet of my mind with no prospects of leaving anytime soon (like omelets, my mind is full of fun things like cheese and avocado and nothing scary like spiders). Here are my top ten irrational fears in no particular order. Just kidding, it’s totally calculated and planned out:

1. Every time I enter a bathroom with a shower (including my own), I have to check behind the shower curtain/door for an escaped mental patient with a shiv-like toothbrush ready to assume my identity via my flesh-hide.

shower killer

2. It’s a well known fact that if you flush the toilet in the middle of the night it will wake up said shower occupant and it will not be too pleased with the intrusion. Thus I have learned to hold it til morning.

3. Whenever I’m in a parking lot alone, I position my keys in my hand a la Wolverine (poking out between each knuckle) in case I need to claw through someone on the way to my car. Liam Neeson employs this trick in The Gray so yeah, it works.

4. I’m pretty sure that if I fall asleep without a blanket covering my legs I will be dragged down to Hades like Persephone and/or my body will be inhabited by aliens who want to assimilate with mankind in order to befriend and ultimately betray us.

5. I’m in a constant state of worry that my phone/computer/tablet will die and there will be no charger in sight. Consequently I’ll be left looking like a creep, depending on actual people for entertainment while my device lays in hopeless wait of it’s lifesource.

6. My roommate told me that one time she was on a Skype interview and they MADE HER take a screenshot of her Top 25 Most Played Songs on iTunes and send it to them. That story makes me wake up in the cold-sweats of terror at night – what if that happened to me? Would there be time to delete that Gwyneth Paltrow cover of Do You Wanna Touch from Glee? What kind of damage did that week I listened exclusively to Nine Inch Nails do? Do people still listen to Wham? Asking for a friend…wham

[ editor’s note…did anyone stop listening??? ]

7. I’m wholly convinced cats are demons. That isn’t irrational it’s fact.  Proof:

cat demon

8. You know that thing where you’re texting your friend about someone but then you accidentally send it to the person you’re talking about, not your friend? It’s like the Stroop Effect (Boom, psych terminology, thanks college) but way more damaging and panic inducing. This irrational fear of mine has been realized more than I like to admit and no matter how many near-fatal-aneurysms it gives me, I’ll never learn to double and triple check my textual recipients. E-mail compounds this fear ten-fold.

9. Kitten heels – why are they a thing? Be a flat or a high heel, you’re freaking everyone out by trying to be both. They’re the footwear version of Two-Face from Batman but way less handsome than Harvey Dent.kitten heels

10. What are the odds that I’m adopted and no one wants to tell me because I’m actually a famous person’s illegitimate child? Irrational fear or wishful thinking… Love you Mom and Dad!

Are my fears irrational? Oh for sure. But as someone who can’t even watch a horror movie trailer, they are completely warranted. The world is scary and the only way to get past the creepy-crawlies and things-that-go-bump-in-the night is irrational appeasement and disproportionate self-confidence in your fighting abilities. I mean I’ve seen Taken 1 AND 2 people, I think I know what I’m doing.  Bjork and Bosley are ready.

Happy Halloween!

-Marshal

Leave A Comment

You must be logged in to post a comment.